Conor,

Nanny said it would be a good idea if Daddy and I wrote down all the memories we have of you, as memories do fade no matter how much we don't want them to, and we don't want to chance forgetting one tiny thing about you, we have got so many memories and we will treasure them forever.

Well, it was mid November and I did a pregnancy test, there was such a tiny line but it was positive, we couldn't believe it, we had waited so long for me to be pregnant that we were beginning to think it would never happen, anyway the following day I did another one, just to make sure and I was definitely pregnant, I was so scared but I was so happy, I remember ringing Nanny and telling her that I didn't know what to do with myself. Whenever we told someone they were so pleased for us but we knew that everyone was also really worried, we couldn't risk the same thing happening to you as happened to Callum, we still missed him so much and we knew we just wouldn't be able to bear it if we lost you.

Then on 21st December Auntie Zoe's baby died, I felt so guilty but I knew there was nothing that I could do, so I had to just be there for her. We had a good Christmas, Alicia had loads of toys and I kept thinking to myself that the next Christmas there would be the four of us, it was a lovely thought. New Year was a bit of a disaster, we went to the Avon Causeway, I felt sick the whole evening and I think Granddad, Daddy and I all wished we hadn't bothered. Then a few weeks later into the pregnancy I started to bleed, I was petrified, we were at the club with Granddad, so we dropped him home then went to the hospital, they did a scan and they told us that you were fine, the first time I saw you on that screen was an amazing feeling, After that I started having scans really regularly and everytime of seeing you on the screen was better than the last, we even thought we saw you wave at us onetime, Daddy came to every scan except one, he was with Uncle Jon-Paul trying to find a new house for them, and they found one!

Then at about 22 weeks into the pregnancy I started having contractions, I was so scared that you were going to be born too early but they died down, there was a lot of confusion over what day you were due so we were never quite sure.

When you kicked it was such a feeling of relief, I used to sit waiting for you to kick just so I knew you were ok, it was like it was your little way of telling me you were still there and you were okay.

Nanny bought your cot and I couldn't wait to put it up, but it was a nightmare it didn't want to go up but I did it in the end and then I just couldn't wait to use it, I didn't have to wait too long.

On Thursday 12th of July the practice contractions got a lot worse, we went to the hospital and they couldn't decide if you were on your way or not, I stayed in the hospital just incase but they sent me home on the Friday, I couldn't let you be born on Friday the 13th!

Then on Tuesday 17th July 2001 at 10.20pm my waters broke, I'd just got into bed and the second they went I was in pure agony, I knew we had to get to the hospital quick, you weren't hanging around for anyone. We phoned the hospital, Nanny, Granddad and Grandma and Granddad. I think Daddy broke all the speed limits on the way to the hospital. When we got there Grandma and Granddad were waiting for us I remember saying to Grandma that I didn't think I could do it again after what had happened with Callum, I was so scared that I was going to lose you too, when the midwife said that they were going to put a monitor on me to check you were ok I screamed at them to not let you die and then just an hour after my waters broke and after a few very hard pushes you were there, I don't think I have ever been so happy in my life. Daddy carried you round and he was so proud, you were so tiny but so absolutely perfect, it was amazing. I felt guilty that I couldn't do the same for Callum but I knew he'd understand that I did my best and I was going to do my absolute best for you.

They took you up to the transitional care ward and the next time I saw you, you had a feeding tube in your nose, you looked so tiny and helpless, I had to learn to tube feed you, that was fun and games then I tried breastfeeding you but you really didn't want to know. Most of the Mums left their baby's out with the midwives overnight but I couldn't bear to be without you so you stayed with me, even on the night you were born you were with them for about 3 hours and even then I had to keep checking on you. Alicia stayed with Auntie Paula while we were in the hospital I cried like a baby oneday because I missed her so much, I phoned Nanny and she helped me to realise we were in the best place I just wanted to take you home and show my beautiful baby off to everyone and for us all to be together as a proper family, as that was what we were, a proper family and although I still really missed Callum and there would always be a part of me that was missing I really felt our family was complete. Then on the Friday I decided that the breastfeeding really wasn't working and I decided it was time you went on the bottle, I went out to say to the midwives and by the time I got back you had pulled your feeding tube out, you knew it was time to come home. We waited for hours on the Saturday for the doctor to say we could go and then we were out in the big wide world together, I was so happy but yet so scared at the same time, would I remember what to do? Well as it turns out I didn't have any problems there.

We took you to Granddads and Sue, JJ, Uncle Jon-Paul, Auntie Zoë, Danielle and Lewis were all there, everybody wanted a cuddle and you didn't seem to mind, nobody could get over how gorgeous you were.

Nanny and Great Grandma came down the next day and they were arguing over who was going to hold you for the longest, they didn't stop long, just long enough to give you loads of cuddles and take loads of photos, I dressed you in your blue babygro that Nanny bought you, you looked amazing and it was so soft even if it was too big, but everything was!!

Everyday you changed in some little way, you spent most of the first few weeks either asleep or eating, I used to love doing to nightfeeds as it was time for just me and you and you were always so good, I'd put you back to bed and you would grumble for minute or so then go to sleep.

I can't remember what happened on a day to day basis after that, I wish I could, but I can remember all your little ways. I loved to smell your head just after you had woken up, I don't know what it was about the smell but I just loved it and it is one smell I will never forget. If the tele was on and you couldn't see it you would twist and turn to try and see it. You loved to play 'boo', and being tipped upside down slightly, I'll never forget when Auntie Katie was pretending to hiccup, you laughed so hard, and then there was the day when we were in the BHS café in Bournemouth, you'd had your bottle and had been winded but Auntie Katie picked you up and you were sick all down her front, even the people on the next table were laughing, Auntie Katie had to walk around with her coat done up for the rest of the day.

Another thing I will never forget was the smile on you face when Alicia came into Granddads club on Sunday 23rd Dec, she had stayed at Grandmas the night before and you were so grumpy, Daddy and I couldn't get anything done, but when you saw her in the club your face lit up and the first thing Alicia did was come over to you and give you a really big kiss, it was a lovely sight.

When you were lying on your changing mat between my legs you used to love to grab hold of the bottom of my jeans, it used to tickle my ankles but I think half the time you used to do it just to remind me you were still there. I used to have fun making up bottles while carrying you, you loved to be carried all the time, even when we were shopping I ended up carrying you a lot of the time, I felt guilty leaving you in the pushchair if you were grumbling, so I'd struggle but I enjoyed it, I loved the feeling of closeness between us. Another time when we went shopping in Southampton on my 21st birthday we bought you a new baby carrier from Toys R Us but you didn't really like it so we used it for the day and then took it back and got the money back, I didn't know if they'd take it back as you had dribbled down it, but they didn't seem to notice, that was the day we bought you your kicking board, you weren't too keen on it at first but as you got older and bigger you played with it more and more, you'd spend hours in the playpen kicking it, you drove me up the wall as it seemed that everytime anything good came on tele you would start kicking it, but I never stopped you, you seemed to enjoy it so much.

I have got so many memories my Darling but it is so hard to put it down onto paper, everything about you is spinning around in my head all day long and I know I can't remember every tiny thing we did but believe me I will try. On that most awful day that someone or something decided that the time had come for you to leave us, the most vivid memory I have got at the moment is seeing you lying there in the hospital with all the doctors and nurses around you. I tried to hold on to any little bit of hope that I could find but I knew deep down that you had already gone to a better place. I tried so hard to bring you back and I'm sure you know that I begged you to hold on and not to leave me but I truly believe that Callum needed you and you had so much love to give that you were the right person to go, I would give anything to swap places with you but I know that can't be done, I also know that Alicia and Daddy need me, I will see you and Callum again one day, it wont be for a very long time but we will all be together again one day that is the only thing that I truly believe. I told you all the time I was with you in Granddads bedroom that I was there and I loved you so much and I told you the same all the way to the hospital, I don't know if you could hear me or not but I am sure you knew what I was saying and thinking, The one thing that you will hopefully know now is how much you were loved by everyone, when you fell asleep that evening no one knew that our lives would change so much in the space of just an hour. You looked so peaceful, you really could have been asleep and that is the way I love to think of you, I am sure in myself that you didn't suffer and if you did my sweetheart I am so sorry, I would've done anything I could to stop that happening but no matter how much you love someone you cannot be there for them at every minute of every day.

Another memory that I always have to smile at was one Saturday when we were shopping, you were grumbling and Daddy let you suck his Twix chocolate bar, you loved it, you had chocolate all around your mouth and although you looked a right mess we knew you had enjoyed it, there was another time when we were in Daddy's lorry, Alicia was eating maltesers and you were moaning so I broke one into quarters and you loved it. You certainly always liked your food, you would suck the food off of the spoon whereas most babies wouldn't, most babies at 3 months aren't bothered with solids but you loved it. I used to like to show you the jar before you started eating it and your face would always light up. One of you favourite foods was Sunrise Banana, you also liked Hawaiian Chicken, Creamed porridge and Fruit Museli, and the fruit museli was the last meal you ate, Daddy fed it to you at Granddads about half an hour before you went to bed and you practically finished the whole jar as well as having a 5oz bottle, which wasn't unusual for you.

You never really liked being in the car, Alicia was the same when she was little, you used to moan nearly the whole time that you were in the car and then as soon as we took you out you would be full of smiles again, it was amazing how picking you up was an instant quietener for you, just like a dummy, but it always had to be the big dummies, we tried the smaller orthodontic dummies but you never liked them, you would just spit them out and then scream again. You tried sucking your thumb a lot although I did try to stop you quite a lot of the time but I'll never forget the day that you actually sucked your thumb properly, you only did it that once but you did it and that means a lot to me, just like sitting up, you only did that once on your own, you were sat on the chair in the corner of the lounge, you sat up on your own for about 30 seconds and then you lent over to your right and I picked you back up, that was on Saturday 22nd December, I was so proud of you but I never even dreamed that that would be the only time you would sit up alone. You were getting really strong, you had started to pull yourself up while holding onto my fingers and I couldn't let you sit in your swing anymore I was so worried that you would pull yourself forward and bash your face on the playtray. You loved being in that swing, when we first got it you were quite happy to be laid in it swinging away, very often you would fall asleep in it, when I put it away I said it was only until you able to sit in it properly without tipping forward little did I know that day would never come.

When we took you to stay and play Ros and Lyn used to fight over who was going to hold you first, you were a bit too young to be there but I think you enjoyed all the attention, everybody adored you and they all wanted a cuddle but I was so worried that someone was going to hurt you I never let you out of my sight, I even had to feed you in 345's room oneday coz it was so busy in the other room and I was worried that someone would trip over you. There was another time when we took Alicia to school, I took her into her room and left you in the corridor I was only a minute or so but when I came out one of the Mums was rocking you in your pushchair, she felt sorry for you because you were grumbling, you hated being still, if the pushchair was moving you were fine but as soon as it stopped you'd moan. You were like me you never liked to be in one place for too long and I guess you had been on this earth long enough.

Nanny always said that God takes the best ones young and that certainly is true of you, in the short 5 ½ months that you were with us you touched the lives of so many people, people that have never met you have cried for you, you were the one who helped Auntie Katie get through what she went through with her baby, you bought her comfort when you were born and your death was what helped her to grieve for her baby, when Callum died it was Rhiannon who helped me through it, I needed to have a baby to cuddle and although she wasn't mine she certainly helped me through it, and I know you did the same not only for Auntie Katie but also for Auntie Zoë, and I am sure when Auntie Zoe's baby is born he will bring me some comfort, I know that both Kate and Zoë are both extremely grateful to you for being born at just the right time, it's amazing how a tiny baby can help some people come to terms with the biggest loss in their life but you did it. You brightened so many people's days up, even when we were on the bus you'd only have to smile at someone and you could tell that that one smile would brighten their whole day. You may never know the extent of happiness you bought to people, for 5 ½ months you made me the happiest person alive, I cannot understand how life can be so cruel as to snatch you away when things were going so well for us. My life was complete and I really thought that no one could ever take that away from me, how wrong could I be.

I sat looking and the photos we took on Christmas day, you were smiling so much and you looked so healthy, I just don't understand it, I don't understand how such a beautiful baby can just be taken like that and I also can't understand why I didn't know there was something wrong, if only you'd cried or screamed, something to let me know that there was a problem. I always thought that a mum could protect her kids from anything I now know that I couldn't have been further from the truth, if something is going to happen it will happen and there isn't a damn thing any one can do about it.

I used to call you my sexy little man and is how I will always think of you, I used to love it when Granddad used to call you obilyoik as Alicia used to get really stroppy when we called you that, to me you will always be my sexy little man, no one could ever mean as much to me as my kids do and although you and Callum are not here with me in body you will always be here in spirit and I know that you will always be watching over me, our family have lost a lot of people much before their time and I just hope that you can all now be together and that you will look after eachother and love eachother as much as you all deserve.

No one can ever take away the wonderful 5 ½ months that we had together and I will treasure the memories that I have forever, I just hope that wherever you are now you are happy and it is a better place than this world, if I knew you were ok and with people that love you even half as much as I do then maybe I could sleep at night but at the moment everytime I close my eyes all I can see is you laying on the floor in Granddads bedroom, your left eye slightly open with that look on your face, when I saw you, you had the same look on your face as Callum did when he was born, a look of pure peace and you would never find that in this world. When I saw you I knew that you had gone to a better place but I had to try to bring you back, I feel so guilty now that you were man-handled by not only me and Daddy but also by the paramedics and then in the hospital, if I'd known there was no hope at all then I wouldn't have let them do that to you, I'm so sorry sweetheart but I had to try, I couldn't go through life knowing that I hadn't even tried, I did all I could for you but I guess that it was decided for me that you would be better off away from this awful place, this world is so cruel, so many people are unhappy, so many kids that get hurt and if the pain I am suffering means that you will never have to experience pain then it must be worth it. I just wish I could've been with you when you died, I think of you in that room on your own and I know that you could hear us but I should've been there, I really feel that I should've known what was going on, Nanny said that you wouldn't have wanted us to see you go through that but I would've given anything to give you one last cuddle and to know that you weren't on your own when they took you from me, a mum is meant to be able to do anything for their kids and I just don't understand how you could be taken without me even being there.

It's now Monday 7th Jan, Daddy has gone back to work and Alicia is going back to school today, Auntie Katie is coming over but quite honestly I don't know what I am going to do with myself when I am on my own, when Alicia was at school was the special time that we spent together, it was lovely, it was time for just us and I loved having that time. Auntie Becky and her boyfriend came down for the weekend and it was lovely to have them here. I feel really guilty that you never got to meet Becky and Liz as they too love you but I never thought that you would be taken from us before they met you, having Auntie Becky here certainly helped me get through the weekend and although everyone is here for me I am so lonely, my arms ache all the time and I wake up in the night thinking that I can hear you, it's so hard, I still don't really believe it has happened. It's like I'm living in a dream and I just wish someone could wake me up. My whole life has been revolved around you right from the minute I found out I was pregnant with you and now I am completely lost. It may be silly but I sit here and think that the hospital are going to phone and tell me it's all a big mistake and they have bought you back, I know that it'll never happen and I don't really know why I keep thinking it, the only phonecall we are expecting is from the coroner, once we get that we can plan your funeral and then you really can rest in peace, there are so many people coming to your funeral, everyone wants to have a chance to say goodbye to you, you are loved so much by everyone.

Alicia talks about you all the time and although she is still very young she does seem to understand to some extent what has happened, infact I think that sometimes she understands more than I do. She has asked questions about what will happen at your funeral and I have tried to explain it the best way I can but it is so hard to know how much her little mind can actually take in and understand. It's so hard when I look at her as you were so much like her everybody used to say it, and in two days time we will be celebrating her fourth birthday I really don't feel like doing anything but I know that we need to celebrate it for her and I know you wouldn't want her to miss out it's just that I feel so sad that I will never be able to do the same for you.

Auntie Zoë actually reminded me of something else yesterday on Christmas eve we all went to the pub near uncle Jon-Paul's house and when we got there we were told that we couldn't bring your pushchair in so you had to stay in your car seat and you were poking your tongue out at everyone, we were in a really good mood and although you were shattered you still kept smiling, you always used to fight the tiredness, you were like me in that sense you never let anything stop you, I feel like that at the moment as no matter what has happened I still have to carry on with life and although I seem really strong on the outside on the inside I feel like I am slowly dying, everyday I think that my heart could shatter completely and I don't think that I would even feel it anymore, I feel so numb all the time, Alicia's teacher actually said it this morning, I am on auto pilot I feel that at the moment it is the only way I can carry on. I'm scared that if I actually let myself grieve for you as then I will completely break down and very possibly lose the plot, I can't risk that happening for Alicia's sake.

Morning darling, it is now Tuesday 15th January and we had the coroners report through yesterday, they couldn't find a reason for you dying sweetheart, they've put it down to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome which means that your heart just stopped beating for no reason, it all seems so pointless, what's the point of taking a healthy, happy baby boy for no reason what so ever, Nanny and I both believe that there must be some reason for it and they haven’t yet been able to find out what, there must be a weakness some where in the body or something, people can’t just die. All we can hope for now is that at some point in the future they will find a reason for it and they will be able to prevent it, although in my eyes it’s too late for that now, I am so angry that you could be taken like this, the only comfort I can get from the report is that I now know that there was nothing I could’ve done to help you, if the post-mortem had shown that there was an infection I think I would’ve always been thinking that I should’ve noticed something or taken you to the doctors but I know now that I wouldn’t have been able too help. The funeral director is going to be here at nine o clock this morning so we can get your funeral arrangements under way, the only thing I can do for you now – besides the odd bit of washing – is to give you the send off you deserve and to then let you rest in peace. I don’t intend to mourn your death I want to celebrate your life as you were such a happy baby and although I am and probably will be grieving for you for the rest of my life I know that life has to go on and I cannot live in the past.

Today is Alicia’s fourth birthday and I am so happy for her yet so sad that I will never be able to celebrate your birthday with you. We spent the whole of yesterday arranging your funeral and that was probably one of the hardest things I’ve had to do yet except letting you go in the hospital, but it had to be done there’s no escaping it, just like there’s no escaping the pain and loneliness I am feeling right now.

It’s now Wednesday 17th January, I have already written to you once today in the letter that is in the crib with you, I took your belongings to the funeral parlour in Kinson where you are today and they have just phoned to tell me that you are dressed and they have put everything together with you in the crib, they have taken some photos for us, I was going to come and see you but I want to remember you the way you were I still have the same images in my mind of you when you were on the floor in Granddads bedroom and when you were in the hospital and I know these will fade in time and I will be able to remember your happy smiling face without having to look at the photos of you first and I really don’t want to have any other bad images of you, as although in my eyes you will always be the most beautiful baby that ever entered this earth three weeks have passed and I know that obviously your body will have deteriorated and you probably do not look the same as you did three weeks ago, I wouldn’t want to be disappointed if I went in hoping that you hadn’t changed at all and although I would give anything to give you just one last kiss and cuddle I know that I will only make things worse for myself, I’m not being selfish but I am finding it hard enough at the moment, I don’t even know how I get through the day, I can’t put myself through it, but Granddad and I are going to come to the chapel of rest tomorrow at 4 o clock and I will be able to say what I want to say to you then, although I wont actually be able to see you I know that you will be looking over me and you will be able to hear me and then you can be buried on Tuesday with Callum and you really can rest in peace until that day comes I will not be able to think that you are entirely at peace.

Well that day is now here, it’s 7.15am on Tuesday 22nd January and in exactly 4 hours your funeral will begin. Grandad and I did come to see you last Friday, we didn’t stay long, just long enough for me to tell you that I love you and also to give you the message from Auntie Zoë to tell you that she loves you too, your crib is really lovely and I think we made the right decision with the one we chose. I spent the day yesterday with Nanny and Great Grandma, we spent a long time in Boscombe while Nanny ran up her bill on her credit card, then we had lunch at McDonalds, went and sorted out your flowers and then we picked up the photos that the people at the funeral parlour had taken, it was a real shock when I looked at them, that body in the crib, is not my beautiful baby boy, it doesn’t look like you at all, I never realised your body would’ve changed so much, I think I am going to let Nanny take the photos back with her, so then I can still see them if I really want to but then saying that I don’t think I ever want to see them again. I think seeing those photos will in some strange way help me get through today because now I know that what we are burying today isn’t you, it is just a body that you used and unfortunately it is a body that has deteriorated quite a lot, you are already in a far away place playing and laughing with Callum. Today will probably be the worst day of my life but I am prepared for it and I will cope with it in the best way I know how. I will go now and start getting ready for this horrendous task that I have infront of me and although I know you will be watching over us today and you already know this, I want you to remember that Mummy and Daddy love you so much and no matter what happens as we go through life you will always be with us and we will always be thinking of you, as will everyone else who loves you, after today you really can rest in peace with Callum and to know that my son’s are together really does bring me some comfort, I love you my sexy little man, night night.

Well it is now Thursday morning and I apologise for not writing sooner but Daddy has been home and I haven’t been able to get a moments peace! Well what a day we had on Tuesday, there were so many people there (47 to be exact) and I was so proud that they were all there because they love you, people travelled hundreds of miles to be here and all for you. The day actually went quite well in the end, well better than I expected anyway, although I felt like someone was ripping my heart out having so many people around me definitely helped me get through the day, everyone was fantastic to Daddy and I, they all supported us when we needed it and left us for time on our own when we needed that, we couldn’t wish for better family and friends. While I sat with you in the back of the car, on the way to the chapel, I looked at your crib and I thought to myself over and over again ‘this isn’t goodbye, just goodnight for now’ and that is what I truly believe, knowing that you really are at peace now is certainly helping me. The service we had for you in the chapel was nice and simple but it was lovely, the one thing that has upset Daddy and I was that Michael didn’t mention Daniel, he loves you so much and for Michael not to mention him has really hurt us all but I am sure you know that he loves you dearly and I know how much I treasure my brothers and I know he too treasures you, you only ever get one big brother in life but you couldn’t have asked for a better one than Daniel. He held my hand so tightly from the chapel to the graveside it was like he was trying to hold onto you, although he is sixteen and acts the big brave man we all know that having you taken away has really hurt him and although he tries to hide it – and he does a good job of it - I could see the devastation in his eyes, he tries so hard to be strong for Daddy and I but I know the truth, this has destroyed him.

It may sound strange but I am so relieved that Tuesday is over, when the funeral car pulled up outside I panicked, I suddenly realised that I did have to go through a funeral for my second son and the thought of that really scared me, but I knew I had to do it, nobody really wanted to be there, Grandma nearly didn’t go into the chapel it wasn’t until Nanny pushed her back through the chapel doors and told her that she had to be there because she loves you as much as the rest of us and you deserve to have the best send-off possible, that she actually came in.

When they started lowering you crib into the ground I very nearly lost it, my legs gave way and Daddy, Grandad George and Nanny had to catch me, it was the same as what happened in the hospital when they took you out of the room, I think if they hadn’t caught me I would’ve landed up in a pile on the floor, I must admit though there was one thing that really did make me smile on that day and that was Leon putting a king size pack of maltesers on the side of your grave, it was lovely because it something very personal between you and him and it was something that nobody else had even thought of doing.

We went to Grandad Dave’s club after the funeral had finished and it was really nice, everyone was talking quietly. Alicia, Danielle and Lewis were running around like headless chickens and a few of the men were playing snooker. It’s sad though that it took your funeral to bring all of our families together, it was lovely to have them all in the same room together but I can only wish that it had been for a different reason.

Its truly amazing that in just 5 ½ short months you made such a profound effect on so many peoples lives, you are loved so much by so many people that it is truly unbelievable at times. I miss you so much my darling and there isn’t an hour that goes by when I don’t think of you, you taught me how to be happy after Callum died and I hope that in time I can learn to be happy again although at the moment I can’t ever see that happening, I feel like I am being punished for something, for a baby such as you to be taken in such a cruel way is beyond my belief, to have no reason for both my son’s being taken away from me is something I cannot and will never understand.

It is now Saturday 26th January and Alicia and I went to Bea’s yesterday, we were talking about you and Bea said there was one thing she heard and truly believed and that is that everyone who goes to that very special place where you are stays at the age of 30, if you are young when you go you grow to the age of 30 and then stop and if you are older then you get younger until you get to the age of 30 and then stop, so no one is ever too young to ask for what they want but equally no one is ever old there and I really think that is a lovely thought.

Life at the moment is becoming harder for me day by day but I know that is just the shock wearing off and grief is starting to take over, I think it really hit me yesterday morning, I sat looking at your pictures and I suddenly realised that you aren’t coming back, I think up until then I was living in a dream world and I really couldn’t believe what had happened but now it is all starting to hit home, I miss you so much, it is so quiet here, the flat feels so cold and empty without you, I lay in bed at night just wishing that somebody would wake me up from this nightmare, I know that I have got to learn to live with what has happened but I feel at the moment that I am in such a vicious circle and that no matter what I do I can’t get myself out of it, I wake up in the morning really depressed then as the day goes on start to feel better and better then the evening gets here I start to get more and more depressed again, I just can’t see anyway out of it at the moment, I remember feeling this way when Callum was born and I know it does get better with time but it is very hard to think that way when you feel at your complete lowest and you can’t see anyway out.

It’s now Monday 28th and to think that it was a month ago yesterday since you died is quite unbelievable, Alicia is at school, Daddy is at work and I am waiting for Nanny to phone me, she has been so fantastic through all of this and although she is too grieving for you she is always there for me, I know everyone else is here for me too but I find it a lot easier to talk to her than I do to anyone else, Daddy seems to find it hard to talk about these sorts of things and I know that Grandad also finds it very hard, in a way it’s easier sometimes to try and act as if nothing has happened, I know it wont make the situation go away but sometimes it helps me get through the day, I guess with Nanny she knows what it’s like to be a mother and this is where the maternal instinct comes in, I don’t think I could’ve coped half as well as I have if it wasn’t for Nanny, I caused her so much pain and heart ache all those years ago but she would never turn her back on me and having her love and support that I have has really proved to me that although I hurt her so much she really does love me and she means it when she says she would do anything for me. When she left from the club after your funeral I don’t know how I didn’t get in that car with her and tell her to take me home, living here with so many memories is so hard, I still look in the corner of Alicia’s bedroom where your cot was and although the wardrobe is there now it looks so empty, I go into the little bedroom at Grandads and I look at the floor where you died and I think to myself, ‘why?’, we all love you so much and I know that you will always be with us but I just miss you, I just want to hold and cuddle you and make you safe again, I know you and Callum are safe where you are but I am so lonely, when you were born something happened inside me, I have never felt the instantanious love that I did for you, although I loved you dearly while I was pregnant with you I didn’t want to get too attached as I was so scared that you would be taken in the same way Callum was, there is such a void in my life now that I can never see myself moving on, I know that I will in time but it is so hard to think that way at the moment.

Daddy and I are going to stay with Nanny next weekend, it’ll be nice to get away from here for a few days, Alicia is going to stay with Grandma, Nanny and Great Grandma are going to take me to bingo – you never know I might even win!!

Going to go now, I love you darling.

Well, it’s now 5.15pm and I have just been on the phone to Nanny for the fourth time today!! It’s really nice that we can talk so openly about you and everything we are thinking and feeling, the health visitor, Jane came round earlier, she was really nice and said how sorry she was to hear that you’d gone and she also said that she remembers the last time she came round to weigh you, she said you had the most gorgeous smile – so I’m not the only one that thinks that!!

Nanny was telling me about all the people that want to meet me up at the bingo hall, it sounds like I’m going to get mobbed as soon as I walk in the door!! I know that Dolly is looking forward to meeting me and I am also looking forward to meeting her, it was so lovely of her to get Mum to buy a rose to go on your grave for you, I’ve never even met her but she must care a lot for us to even think of doing that.

Today has been really hard for me, I have now realised that you have gone and I think that for the last month I have been kidding myself that this hasn’t really happened and it is someone’s idea of a sick joke, but I know you have gone sweetheart and I miss you so much, I have thought about you a lot today and at something’s I smile and then at others I cry, my emotions are so mixed up that I don’t know how I feel half the time, it’s like I’m someone looking in on a life of a very distraught 21 year old and I want to get in and help her but there’s nothing I can do. I so wish I could turn back the clock and just give you one last kiss, or see you smile once more, I know I’ve got photos and the video camera but it’s not the same, I never thought I could miss anyone like I am missing you now, I don’t think people really realise what heartache is all about sometimes, but now I truly know the meaning of heartache, because when your heart feels like it is shattered then you realise what being heart broken is, that is what I am darling, truly heartbroken.

It’s now Tuesday 29th and this time last week we were travelling to the cemetery on your final journey. Today has been really hard, I spent the first hour after I dropped Alicia off at playschool in a hell of a mess, then I phoned Auntie Katie and she helped me to realise that what I am feeling is perfectly normal and that it is just that I am starting to really grieve for you now. Alicia has been a little monster over the past few days, she’s just so cheeky all the time and I can quite easily imagine that you would’ve grown up practically the same. The vase is being placed on your grave today so I will come up tomorrow to take some photos of it; I’m going to get some fresh flowers to put in it.

Life is going by so quickly, it’s weird to think that we have lived nearly a quarter of your life again since you died. You had so little time on this earth and there were so many things I was looking forward to doing with you and I can’t believe that all that has been stolen from us.

When I am out and about now I seem to notice the colours of everything even more than I used to, I never used to realise how green the grass is or how pretty the flowers and trees are, I feel so sad that I will never be able to share these things with you but as Nanny says that the grass is probably a lot greener where you are. When it snowed on the Saturday after you died Alicia was so excited but I was just so sad that you may never even see snow, I wonder if you can see things like that where you are, I would love to think that you can still enjoy all things like that, the snow, see a beautiful sunset or sunrise, really know how it feels to have the rain on your face, I really hope that you can sweetheart, it’d be such a shame for you to miss out on the really beautiful things in this world.

It’s Thursday morning and we are going to Nanny’s tomorrow, I can’t wait, Daddy and I really need a break from this place, although all the memories we have are good it is very hard to look at a lot of things like looking in the corner of the bedroom where your cot was and to go into the little bedroom at Grandads. It’s weird as although I am really looking forward to going I feel I am being disrespectful to you for feeling excited about anything, but I know that life has to go on and you wouldn’t want to see Daddy and I sad all the time, as I said before I want to celebrate your life as you were such a happy baby and I’m sure you are even happier now then you ever would have been here.

Well, it’s now Wednesday 6th January at 8.45am and I got back from Nanny’s yesterday, what a weekend!! It was brilliant to spend some real quality time with Nanny. She took me to Hunstanton and we went to bingo 3 times, the people there are lovely especially Dolly and Pat, they were so nice to me and everyone made me feel really at home, it was good fun, I think it was the first time that I’ve really enjoyed myself for a few hours without feeling guilty, Nanny taught me how to play the fruit machines properly and I won some of the money she’d spent back for her, which I was very pleased about, a lot of people looked through your book and they all said what a gorgeous baby you are, I was so proud, yet so sad, I wish they could’ve seen you properly rather than just looking at photos but at least they got to see them.

Now that I am back home reality is starting to sink in again, coming back into the flat was really hard coz just for a few days I didn’t have to look at where you used to sleep and eat, and remember that you will never sleep or eat there again and that was nice, I really don’t need the constant reminders, it’s not like I’m going to ever forget what has happened.

Hi ya, it’s 3.40pm and yes I know what you’re probably thinking ‘Why are you crying Mummy? I’m okay.’ I know that you are safe but it’s just that I miss you so much and I just wish I could see and hold you just once more.

While I was at Nanny’s I looked at the photos again that the people at the funeral parlour took for us, and quite honestly they didn’t look half as bad as they did the first time I saw them, when I first saw your body in those photos it was a real shock but the more I looked at them, the more it looked like you. Part of me still thinks that I should’ve come to see you at the funeral parlour, I don’t regret not coming to see you but I still keep thinking that at least I would’ve been able to have one last cuddle, I know I can’t live my life on what ifs but at the moment it is so hard to think any other way.

While I was crying a million tears over your book I remembered something else, when you were taken to be weighed in the hospital (the day after you were born) they put you on the scales with no nappy on and you wee’d all up the wall – I was so embarrassed but I must admit I did find it funny, then there was another time when you wee’d all over my leg, Alicia thought it was hilarious, and although I did see the funny side of it I wasn’t too impressed! It’s weird how little things like that pop into my head at any moment and I am so glad that Nanny suggested doing this, at least this way I will never forget the memories that I have got, I just wish there was a lot more of them.

I also wish that you would send me a sign to let me know that you and Callum are okay, I am sure that the butterflies that we found in the little bedroom at Grandads and in Grandmas summer room were sent to give us a sign that you were okay and although I believe that with all my heart I can’t help but wonder.

It’ll be six weeks tomorrow since you died and not much has really changed, we’ve got 2 new Jirds called Milo and Jake (Alicia named them) but life is pretty much as you left it, apart from the fact that you have left behind a distraught family that will be scarred for life. When you left us our lives fell apart and although we will try to put them back together I don’t know if that’ll ever really happen, Daddy wont really talk to me about anything, we talk about you a lot but not about how we are really feeling, It’s so hard coz I know Daddy is really hurting but I don’t know how to help him, I guess there’s nothing I can really do apart from be here for him.

I’d give anything to have you back, my life is so empty without you here and although you will always be in my heart it’s not the same as having you here with me my sexy little man. It’s the small things that I miss, I wake up and think I can hear you crying and I used to moan about you crying in the night, I would do anything to hear you cry again, I miss washing up and making your bottles, and feeding you, I loved the closeness of that, it’s so hard to think that I will never feel that closeness with you again, I miss the smelly nappies and all the washing, I miss my clothes smelling of baby sick but most of all I miss your sweet gorgeous smile. I miss your beautiful blue eyes with lovely long eyelashes that everyone noticed. You were such a contented baby, all you wanted was to be cuddled and that’s all I want now, just to cuddle you once more. I love you so much my sexy little man, I know you already know that but I just can’t help telling you a few more thousand times coz I do love you and so very much!

I sit here and all I can think is ‘Why?’ Why didn’t I know there was something wrong? Why did you have to leave us? Why is life so cruel? And why can’t we just be happy? So many questions but no answers. If only someone could give us a reason as to why so many babies die of cot death, there must be a reason, parents do all they can to protect their kids but sometimes things are impossible to protect your kids from, maybe if they could find a reason or a cause then they could prevent this happening to other peoples kids. Having no reason is almost impossible to bear sometimes, even more than the grief at times.

I just cannot believe that life can be as cruel as to take both my son’s from me, I’m not a bad person and I try my best to be a good Mum, I would lay my life on the line for you, Callum, Alicia and Daniel so how can you and Callum be taken from us? It’s like a nightmare but I know that I will never wake up. I dream that you are here with me but then I wake up and reality hits me again.

I said to Nanny that wish someone could invent a time machine but where you don’t know what the future will hold, I just want to live Christmas and Boxing Day again, we had such a great time and it was Christmas day when Uncle Jon-Paul held you properly for the first time. You didn’t really know what was going on apart from Alicia was making a lot of mess and noise, but we really did have a good couple of days. I’d give anything to relive them. I’m glad that the last few days that you were here were special days (just like Callum being born on the day of the eclipse) as that will always give us something really nice to look back on, it’s almost as if you were allowed to be with us and enjoy just one Christmas but then it was time for you to go and be with Callum and the rest of our family that are up there with you, Elaine and Uncle Mike just to name two of them and of course Baby Jack, I’ve thought about him a lot ever since Callum died but even more since you died, unfortunately I can’t remember how many years it is since he died but I know it’s a long time and I am sure that him and Callum have been able to show you around. In a weird way it’s nice to know that you are not on your own up there, wherever you are you are safe and with people that love you, that means so much to me, parents only ever want their kids to be happy and safe, well I guess you’ve both got that now. I just wish you could’ve had that with me for longer.

Hi ya sexy, it’s Thursday 7th February and last night I e-mailed a lady in America who also has lost two children, one through stillbirth (Halie at 26 weeks) and one through SIDS (Zachary at 2 months and 23 days), she’s the first person that I have had contact with who has been through the same as we have and amazingly I am the first person she has spoken to in the same situation, she’s really nice and has helped me to realise that life does go on, it’s been nearly 2 years since Zachary died and she has just found out that she is pregnant again, so life can go on and although a lot of me still says that my life stopped the day you died I will learn to live again, for Alicia if no one else.

When I came back from taking Alicia to school this morning I came in the main door and I could hear a baby crying and just for a second I thought it was you and I’d just forgotten to take you with me, then I realised that it was Paige from down stairs. Any baby that cry’s at the moment sounds like you it’s not that I’ve forgotten what your cry sounds like I guess I am just trying to find any little thing to make it seem like you are still here. I know I am living with false hope but at the moment that is the only way I can get through every hour without completely cracking up. I just miss you so much.

It’s now Monday 11th February and I’m sorry I haven’t written for a few days but Daddy took the computer for it to be updated and then we spent all weekend putting up Grandads new shed, it was hard work but we got it done in the end, it looks really nice, again I just wish you could enjoy it with us.

Life is still as hard today as it was the day you died, everyone is back to normal now, apart from Daddy and I, we’re still living in a dream world and although Daddy is back at work he’s still finding it really hard and although I still take Alicia to school and do the housework it’s still the same for me too.

Hi ya sexy, it’s 4.35pm and Danielle and Lewis are here to spend the night, I’ve managed to get them all sat down eating tea and watching a video – miracles!!

I don’t really know what to say today, I was okay until I got the bill from the funeral directors this morning, it hit me quite hard when I got it as although I was expecting it, it was like the last chapter of you is now closing, once the social okay the payment there will be nothing else that I can do for you except love you and remember you everyday for the rest of my life, and I know that is what I will do.

It’s so hard to think that I have got to go through the rest of my life without you and Callum, I think that I had just come to terms with Callum not being here when you were born but now I am not only grieving for you I feel like I am also grieving for Callum again, knowing that you are together helps me get through everyday as I don’t think I could handle the thought of you on your own.

Daddy and I were talking on the way back from Grandads last night and were we both saying that we still keep thinking what if………. What if I hadn’t smoked through the pregnancy? What if I’d taken you to the doctors to be weighed more often? What if Sarah hadn’t walked out on Grandad, would we still have been there? What if I’d gone in to check you at 5.15pm on that day like I was going to? What if I hadn’t walked Jess? What if Daddy hadn’t put you to bed? What if………..

We both know that thinking things like that aren’t going to bring you back and it wouldn’t have made any difference anyway, I guess Daddy and I are living with so much guilt and so many regrets that it’s hard to think any other way. The one and only thing that I regret is not coming to see you in the hospital when Nanny and Great Grandma came to see you on the Friday morning as I now would give anything for one last cuddle, but what they saw that morning was only a shell, you had already gone to a far better place, I knew that as soon as I saw you in Grandads room and although I didn’t believe it at the time I know there was nothing that could’ve been done to save you, I begged the staff in the hospital but they did all they could, we all joke that miracles can be performed but everyone knows that they can’t really. I do believe that everyone has a purpose in life and Callum and you both had a purpose in this world even though you were both here for such a short amount of time, I don’t know if I’ll ever know what your real purposes were all I know is that you both bought me such a wonderful feeling of love and contentment, I can never thank you enough for that. I know that there are just a few things that I have done that I will NEVER regret and two of those are having you and Callum, although your deaths have bought me such devastation you have bought me so much love too, to think that I am only 21 and for me have felt such love is such a privilege but then to feel such a huge amount heartbreak is so hard to understand and I will never know why Daddy and I have been treated so unfairly. We both love you and Callum so much and why you have both been taken from us is completely beyond my understanding.

I think that you dying has hit Daddy a lot harder than Callum dying did, it’s not that he loves Callum any less but Daddy had never had the connection that I did while I was pregnant with Callum whereas with you he held you, fed you, changed you and most of all watched you grow and blossom into a beautiful baby boy who really was the apple of his Daddy’s eye. Daddy cried really hard for Callum, we both did and although it doesn’t seem like he has grieved for you he is completely broken inside.

I’m going to go now sweetheart and sort out these three rat bags, they all talk about you and it is very evident that they all miss you very much, Alicia more than anyone, she loves you so much and as she said that day ‘I hoped we could keep him ‘I’ll never forget the bond that you and her had, it’s what makes you life that little bit more special to me, I love you darling.

It’s now Tuesday at 9.10 am and I was listening to Danielle and Alicia talking about you earlier, they were both saying that they wish you would come back, I don’t think they really understand that you can’t come back from where you are, I guess they just say what people are thinking, kids are so simplistic they don’t worry about what they’re saying, they just tell the truth, adults are always scared of upsetting people. If only people would say what they think and feel without worrying about upsetting other people. They’re right though we do all wish you could come back, but we all know that is a wish that will never come true – if only.

It’s now Thursday 14th Feb and it’s Valentines Day, I’m bored! It’s been7 weeks since you died and it’s amazing how quickly time has gone, we are going to change over the bushes that are on your grave this weekend, the one that we planted when Callum was buried is looking a bit worse for wear now so we’re going to swap it with one that is in Grandads garden. You would’ve been 7 months old on Sunday (Daddy’s birthday) and I keep finding myself looking at other babies trying to guess how old they are and wondering what you would’ve been doing now.

I was talking to Nanny the other day and I was telling her that in a way it feels like you were never really here, it’s not that I’ve forgotten you but I can’t remember half as much as I would like to of you, Nanny said it’s normal and it’s just my body and minds way of helping me get through this, she said that I will be able to remember you again but it’s going to take time, I really hope she’s right as I don’t think I could stand it if I couldn’t remember all the wonderful things about you, I never want to forget.

I look at your pictures and although I recognise you as my son I can’t remember what it feels like to have you here with me and I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this, it’s not that I don’t love you coz I do so very much but it just doesn’t feel real, I guess I am still living in a dream world. I know Nanny says what I am feeling is normal, but what is normal? I don’t know if I’ll ever know how to feel normal again, I hope I will but the future looks so bleak now, when you were here you gave me something to look forward to, now I don’t feel like there is anything worth looking forward to.

Well it’s now Mon 18th February and I have spent most of the day trying to help Auntie Katie to make a decision on what breed of puppy she should get – what a palaver! We started off with her getting a Springer spaniel and now it looks like she’s going to get a golden retriever, oh well at least I’ll have a puppy to play with when I’m there!!

It was Daddy’s birthday yesterday and we had quite a good day; we did come down to the cemetery to change over the bushes that we’ve been meaning to do for ages – well it’s done now. Oh I don’t know what to write sweetheart I’ll come back when I can think of something to write as long as you know that I love and miss you with all my heart then that’s okay by me.

Hello sexy, I’m back and it’s Wednesday 20th Feb and I’m bored. All I want to do at the moment is cry my eyes out for you but Alicia is at home and I don’t want to upset her. There was an appeal on the radio this morning trying to get your photo returned that was in my purse when it was stolen on Saturday, Ritchie and Emma on the morning crew did it so hopefully we may get some response back from it, I know it’s only a photo but it’s a photo of you and at the moment I can’t bear to be away from it, it was nice to be able to have your photo in my purse as every time I opened my purse I saw your smiling face, I guess it was just my way of keeping a little bit of you with me no matter where I am. Let’s just hope that who ever has got my purse they can show a bit of kindness and just let us have that photo back.

Well, Auntie Katie got her puppy yesterday – a Staffie!! He’s only 6 weeks old but he is gorgeous! We’re looking after him for a couple of weeks coz Auntie Katie has got to go into hospital tomorrow for her operation but although I’m enjoying having him here I certainly would not like to go through all that puppy stage again, I think Daddy’s quite relieved about that!

Life is so boring without you here, I’ve got nothing to do, no bottles to make, no smelly nappies to change and most of all I miss having no gorgeous baby to cuddle and play with. I guess what people say is true, you don’t realise how precious things are in life until they’re gone. I think of all the times I moaned coz you wouldn’t go to sleep or coz I had to carry you up the stairs and you were heavy, now I would do anything to take all that back. I feel guilty now for letting you go to stay with Grandma, Auntie Zoë and Auntie Katie, at the time it was a blessing but now I think that that could’ve been just a little bit more time that I would’ve been able to spend with you. I feel guilty that I ever let you cry in your cot, but I didn’t know what was going to happen, I just wish now that I could’ve spoilt you a little bit more, I wish that I’d taken you more places and to see more things, I know you wouldn’t have paid a lot of attention to it but at least I could’ve said I’d taken you places and showed you things, I just thought that we would have so many years ahead of us to enjoy things like that together, I know now that I shouldn’t take anything for granted but live every day to it’s fullest as life is too short by any one’s standards.

Morning, it’s Friday 22nd and Daddy has got the day off and has taken Alicia to school so I thought I’d write to you while I’ve got 5 minutes to myself, I’ve been trying to set up a website in your memory but not particularly successfully yet! I’ll keep trying.

Auntie Katie had her operation yesterday, we looked after Jack, it went really well and she’s been told that she shouldn’t need any help in falling pregnant which is very good news. Daddy and I are letting nature take it’s course with us having another baby, but when I do have another one I don’t want you thinking that we are having another one to replace you, we could never replace you and nor would we want to, when you were born we weren’t trying to replace Callum and it will be the same when we do have another one, as long as you know that then that puts me a little bit at ease, besides it probably wont happen for a very long time you, we had to wait a hell of a long time to get you here but believe me it was well worth the wait.

I’m going to go now as Daddy will be back in a few minutes, I’ll write again when I can, I love you sweetheart and miss you like crazy, be good.

Hi gorgeous, it’s Tuesday 26th and I’m missing you like mad, today is one of my down days and although they are gradually becoming further apart it is still so hard. I e-mailed Kristy (the lady from America) yesterday as it was the 2 year anniversary of her son’s death, it hit me really hard, I don’t know why really, I guess it has made me realise that you really aren’t coming back. Auntie Zoë’s baby is due soon and although in one way I’m dreading it in another I am so looking forward to it.

I sit here thinking about you and I just wish that you would send me a sign that you are ok, I love and miss you so much and I’m beginning to think if life is really worth it. Daddy works all the hours he can just for us to survive; we’ve got no goals in life, no purpose.

Alicia is becoming a real cheeky little monkey, she misses you so much, she talks about you all the time, she seems to be coping with your death so well, it’s amazing really, I look at her and I just thank god that I’ve still got her although I am really scared as if God can be as cruel as to take you and Callum from me then what will stop him taking Alicia, I know I shouldn’t think like that but I just can’t help it. I love and miss you and Callum so much; I just don’t understand how life can be so cruel, where did I go wrong in life? Why am I being punished? People say that I shouldn’t think like that but that’s how it feels – besides what would they know – they’re not me.

Poor Daddy has had to put up with a lot of mood swings from me, I can’t help it, I just get so depressed during the day and by the time Daddy gets home I have pretty much reached the end of my tether. I don’t mean to take it out on him but I am so bored and lonely. I doesn’t matter how many people I am with I am still so lonely, everybody has been really good to me and I really appreciate it but no matter what anyone says or does it doesn’t even come close to making up the fact that you’re not here. I don’t know sweetheart – why did you have to leave me? I just want you back.

Hi gorgeous, I just thought I’d write quickly to tell you that I love and miss you so much. To you it may seem like we are just carrying on as if nothing has happened, it’s not like that it’s just that we have got to get on with things, no matter how much I just want to curl up in bed and leave the world to cope by itself I’ve got get up in the morning and get on with the day, my life is still in limbo but the world keeps turning and people continue to get on with everything. I want the world to stand still and take notice of what’s happened but it doesn’t work like that, I still have to go shopping, take Alicia to school, do the housework and everything else that comes with being a Mummy but I just don’t want to. I don’t have the energy to do anything. When you were taken from us I think the life that I had inside of me got taken with you. I’ll never give up on life infact this has made me more determined to do something with my life. God took you away much before your time and I’m not going to let him do that to me, I will not let your death be in vain.

Daddy and I are trying to set up a ‘big push’ in aid of FSID I the hope of raising a substantial amount of money for the foundation, all Daddy and I want now is for someone to be able to tell us why you died, any money we raise will go towards finding a cause for SIDS, lets just hope it’s soon and they can stop other babies dying in this way. I’ve got to go sweetheart, sorry it’s not very long but I will write more next time, I love you take care of Callum for me. Xxx

Hi gorgeous a very quick note to tell you I love and miss you more and more everyday, Mummy xx.

Hello sexy, it’s Saturday 9th March and we got back a little while ago from taking Grandad shopping. Well what a weeks it’s been. We are still trying to sort out the fundraising for the foundation and so far it’s going quite well, we’ve had responses from Bournemouth football club, Southampton football club, 2CR and Bournemouth Fire brigade, most of the things are for us to auction but 2CR are also going to give us coverage of all the events on the radio. Uncle Jon-Paul also had a good idea, why not do giant dominoes with pallets on Dean Court in AFCB colours but spelling SIDS, we’re not sure if it’s going to work yet but we’ll keep trying. Mark, who I wrote to to get Claire Gooses address had also got a signed photo of Claire that’s he’s going to auction for us over the internet. Nanny and Great Grandma are getting sponsor ships from all over the place, also Nanny’s work are setting up a stall at the craft fayre next weekend so that’s more money. Grandma and Grandad Dave are busy sorting out the 60’s night and Grandad is going to get some sponsors from Wessex, everyone’s helping out. It makes me feel so proud that they are doing all of this in your memory. You may not be here with us but your memory will live on in us forever, I hope you know that. I know I haven’t written for a while but I have been so busy recently trying to get everything sorted out, but I have been thinking about you a lot, as long as you know that.

I love you and miss you so much sweetheart, thinking of you today and everyday. Mummy xxxx

Hi baby well today is Monday 11th March and yesterday was Mothers Day, oh sweetheart it was so hard and today has been just as hard if not harder, infact today has been one of the hardest days yet, I love you and miss you so much, I know I don’t write as often now but it’s not coz I don’t love you it’s just so hard, as long as you always remember that I love you and Callum with all my heart then I can get some sort of comfort for that. Today I thought about joining you but I know that wont help anybody I just can’t see a life without you anymore, I hope that one day I will be able to move on. I’ve got to go and sort out your sister, we all miss you so much, be good darling and look after Callum for me, I know you are both looking down on me and the special people in my life, I love you my two tiny boys.

Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

Hi my two darlings, how are you today? I’m not doing too badly, but I guess you already know that, I’m not going to write much but I just want you to know that I love you and miss you both more and more everyday. I wonder if the butterflies were a sign. I’ll find out one day. I LOVE YOU guys, take care of each other, Mummy. Xxxxxxx

Hi sweetheart, it’s Tuesday 26th March and I have spent all morning sorting out more things for the charity work for the foundation, it’s less that 6 weeks away now so we can really get the ball rolling. I was thinking last night and I suddenly realised that you are Great Grandma’s 13th born grandchild/ great-grandchild, I also worked out that you died exactly 13 months after I found out I was pregnant with you and you were very nearly born on Friday the 13th – nobody can tell me that 13 isn’t an unlucky number. I fell asleep last night while stroking your butterfly; I still have it at the head of my bed. I just miss you and Callum so much. I know that supporting the charity doesn’t seem like I’m doing a lot but to me it is so important, if I can do anything to help the researchers find a cause for your death and to stop it happening to other babies then I’ll do all I can. Everybody is working really hard to help raise funds, it just goes to prove how much you are loved by so many people – Nanny has even got the bingo hall involved! I wouldn’t be able to do any of this if it wasn’t for all the people helping. Uncle Jason (who I’m sad to say you never met) has been amazing; he’s got a little baby Lara who was born a few weeks back so I guess its hit home a bit to him. I just hope this is successful I am working so hard day and night to make this work, let’s just hope it all comes together in the end. If nothing else I feel like I am not letting your death be in vain, this is keeping your memory alive. I just want that one question answered now ……..why? I’m going to go as Daddy is going to be back in a minute with lunch and then I’m going to Grandads. I love you sexy, Mummy xxxxxxxx

Well it’s been a few weeks since I’ve written to you and I’m sorry. It’s 17th April today and you would’ve been nine months old today, oh baby I miss you. I miss you so very very much, I just want you back. I love you my sexy little man, I just want a kiss, a cuddle, anything.

Hi baby, well it’s 22nd April and I’m sorry I cut the last bit off a bit short but I was having a really hard time, I’m back now and feeling a lot better, it’s just that some days it all gets too much for me.

Well on Wednesday there will be a funeral taking place at the cemetery, it’s the funeral of Tracy’s 3 children. Take care of them for me baby and if you can please send their Mummy the strength to get through this awful time. I will probably come to the cemetery on Wednesday and lay some flowers for the three of them but once the funeral is over, I know Grandma is going to the funeral but I couldn’t handle that I want to be able to show them that I care but at the same time I don’t want to make things even harder for myself than they already are. I know that you and Callum have been sending me the strength to get through each and everyday and also sending that same strength to the special people in my life who have also been so affected by your deaths but I just hope that you will be able to send some of that strength to Tracy and the rest of her family and that you’re able to help Amanda, Ashley and Alicia now that they are with you, I know that they’ll miss their Mummy just as much as you miss yours.

I love and miss you both so much, take care of each other, all my love now and always Mummy. Xxx

Hi my two angels, it’s Tuesday 23rd April and how are you today?

I’m in a bit of a funny mood today, one minute I’m ok and the next I’m not, it’s just one of those days I guess. Well Auntie Zoë’s baby is due today and it still hasn’t decided to make an appearance, I wish she’d get a wriggle on! I was actually watching the BAFTA awards on tele last night and something that was said reminded me of you Conor, they did a dedication for the news teams who covered the tragedy of September 11th, it was only then that I remember sitting with you at the most ridiculous times in the night watching it while you would very slowly take your feed, we used to cuddle up with your blanket on the sofa and while you had your bottle I’d watch the events as they unfolded, in a way I was pleased that you were waking me up at those times as I was able to follow the events and to be honest I probably watched a lot more of it than a lot of other people. It was just nice last night when that reminded me of you as it was another thing that we shared, no one will ever forget the tragedy of that day and as like with Callum all people know where they were the day of the eclipse and equally people will know where they were when they heard about the trade centre being under attack and we know that we were together that day, I remember that when I heard about the disaster I was carrying you and I cuddled you in safe almost as if I was protecting you, I’ll never forget that, I’ve got to go sweetheart, I love you and Callum so much and I miss you more and more everyday, All my love Mummy. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi sweetheart, it’d Thursday 25th April and as you probably already know today is a hard day for me, I just miss you so much, I don’t think this pain and loneliness will ever go away, please send me some strength to get through this really bad time, I just wish I could have one more kiss and cuddle with you, just one more second. I dream that you’re here and then I wake up and reality hits me again, I was looking at your pictures and I just kept asking myself ‘why?’ I should probably be over this stage of grief by now but I don’t think I’ll ever get over that bit. The fundraising is coming on really well everyone is helping as much as they can, I’m so proud coz I feel like they’re doing it for you and yet it makes me so sad as cot death is something that no family should have to suffer so why are we? We all miss you so much and I know that you and Callum are sending me and the other people who are still grieving for you both the strength that we need, but I don’t want to have to be strong, I want to cry for you, I want to hold you in my arms again I don’t want strength I just want you back. Well my darling that’s never going to happen and I know that so I guess I’ll just have to go on coping in the only way I know how – put a brave face on and only ever let onto you and Callum when things are bad (can’t hide it from you can I?!) Everyday is a struggle but I think of your smile and that helps me through the day! Mummy loves and misses you both so much, I know that you two never really leave my side and for that I am so grateful, I love you my angels, take care of each other, stay safe, until next time Mummyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Well my darlings it’s Monday 29th April and today has been a pretty mixed up day, your cousin was born this morning at 9.20am weighing 8lb 5oz, it was so wonderful for me to see him coming into this world but I couldn’t help thinking that it was also very unfair. I don’t understand why I wasn’t allowed to keep my two baby boys. Conor when we went into the delivery suite we walked past the room that you were born in and that hit me quite hard, there I was looking at the room where your little life started, just over 9 months ago I was in that room during what was probably the best day of my life. Auntie Zoe and little baby cooper (who’s yet to be given a name) are both fine and at the moment I am okay but I think it’ll probably hit me later as to what has actually happened, at the moment I am still on a high after seeing him being born but I know it wont last, I am so pleased he’s here but I’m also so sad that you two are not here and also that you will not be able to be bought up with your baby cousin as we all thought you would be, today is such a happy day yet such a sad one.

I love you my darlings, please help us to keep the new baby safe, I miss you both so much, Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Little baby cooper has now been named – Ethan! He’s totally gorgeous but not a patch on you two! Love You both loads always mummy xxxxxxxxxx

Hi boys well it’s Wednesday 8th May and we had a pretty busy weekend, we did the lorry push (or push-pull as Alicia calls it) it went really well and we think we’ve raised about £1500 in sponsorships and then there’s the sales of the badges and the60’s night which is this Saturday. The push was good and I’m so pleased that we’ve been able to raise some money for the foundation but as with most things it was still tinged with sadness for me. I looked at all the people who were there and I kept thinking to myself that they were there for you Conor, but I just wished it could’ve been for a different reason, it was about the same time as I’d hoped to get you christened; they should’ve been there for that. There were a lot of people there and it makes me very proud to think that they were all there for you. If it hadn’t been for your death we would never have started raising this money, the money that could one day give parents a reason for their baby being taken and also to stop this happening to other babies. There are so many angel babies that I alone know of and just he thought of another family having to go through that sends a shiver down my spine, no one should have to suffer what we have and that is why this fundraising is important, you’ve got enough angels to play with you don’t need any more and surely now it’s about time they tried to put a stop to this, in know they’ve been trying for years but surely with today’s technology it can’t be that hard. I just need an answer. I’ve given up hoping that someone’s going to tell me it’s all been a sick joke now I just hope for an answer and to know that future babies will be safe. I can’t do anything to help you now my two darlings and you know if I could I would but you know that Mummy loves you and will never let your memory die. If in 20 years I am the only one who remembers you then so be it but you know that when I look to the moon at night I am thinking of you and sending you all my love. There are so many reminders everywhere. I can’t go any where without seeing a baby who would be about your age Conor or a toddler who would be your age Callum, I wish we could’ve enjoyed so much more together but I know that you are with me no matter where I am or what I’m doing and I’m sure the butterflies are a sign that you are both looking out for me and keeping me and the rest of your family safe, I am also sure they are a sign to let me know that you are safe and happy and most importantly together. I know you send me the strength to get through the hard times and I’m sure you’re there to join in with the laughter in the good times. Sometimes it’s almost as if I can feel you right next to me, just letting me know you’re there. I love and miss you both so much and I promise you that no matter what happens in life I will always be thinking of you and watching out for those pretty little butterflies. Your strength keeps me going and I know it will continue to do so until the day that we a reunited, it’s going to be a long time before that happens but we will be together again, that is the one and only thing that I truly believe.

Mummy’s got to go now but please remember that Mummy loves you and always will no matter what, Take care my darlings I really must go now, keep each other safe until I am there to look after you again, I LOVE YOU XXXXX

Hi my babies, today (10th may) I met a really lovely lady, Caroline Moors, Ryan’s Mummy. Ryan went to be with the angels when he was 19 months old in January 2000. She’s part of a group that do fundraising for the foundation and they raise so much money, any way I just want to ask you to send her your strength next Thursday as Ryan would’ve been four and it’s going to be a really hard day for her. I can’t talk for long but I’ll write again soon. I love you both so much Mummy xxxxxxxxxx

Hi guys, it’s Tuesday 14th May and Nanny and I came down to the cemetery today and we rearranged things a little bit up there, we had to bring your teddies home as they’re starting to get ruined so I’m going to give them a wash and a dry and then I’ll put them somewhere safe. I don’t know what the right word is for how it looks at the cemetery but I guess if I had to choose one it would be beautiful. Nanny had some fantastic ideas on how we can make it look better and it really worked (even if it did cost Nanny nearly £40!) I’ve never liked going to the cemetery and as you know I don’t come up very often but that’s not coz I don’t love you or think of you but as far as I’m concerned you are here with me all the time and I don’t need to go and look at a piece of grass to remember you, I know your bodies are there but at the end of the day they are only shells, you are high above us playing with all the other angels, not buried 6 foot under ground. Callum sweetheart, Mummy has taken your cross from the grave now, when you became an angel Mummy and Daddy didn’t have the pennies to buy you a headstone but now that you and Conor have one to share it seems unfair to keep a cross there for you and not for Conor, I’ve still got your cross (it’s with all Conors things) and I’ll always keep it, I just hope you understand.

Well, I guess I should tell you a bit about Saturday night (the 60’s night at Grandads club), well my darlings it went so well, there were so many people and we think we’ve raised in the region of £4000, I just hope that the money will go to some good, the foundation do fantastic work, not only with research but also in helping all the families that have to suffer through cot death, and there are so many families. Saturday was such an emotional day for me, I was pleased that it went so well but I was so sad because of the reason that we were all there, and all those people were there in tribute to you. I never dreamed that it would go as well as it did, Conor thankyou my darling for sending me the strength to get through Saturday night, I know you were by my side.

I have to go and get Alicia ready for school, I love you both with all my heart and I miss you both so very much, take care of each other and please keep sending me all the strength I need to get through everyday. I love you, Mummy xxxxxxx

Morning darlings, it’s Tuesday 21st May. As you know Daddy and I have been having some problems but it looks like we have resolved them now and hopefully we can get some sort of happiness in our lives, since you became and angel Conor I have never been really happy but I have now decided that being sad isn’t going to help anyone so I’m going to make the most of my life with Daddy and Alicia, please don’t think that I’m not still sad about your death, I will never get rid of that sadness but I have got to get on with life, there is nothing I can do for either of you now and I have got to learn to live with that now. I will never stop loving and missing you both but as they say life goes on, and it will. If I do nothing else I will always keep your memories alive, that is a promise and you know I never break a promise. I’m not going to write for long, I just want to make sure that you know that I love you and no matter how happy I seem on the outside my heart will always be breaking on the inside. I love you so much my little angels, you are both forever in my thoughts and in my heart. Mummy xxxxxx

Hi guys, it’s Friday 24th May and I don’t really know what to say today, I guess I just want to let you know that Mummy loves and misses you both so very much, not a day goes by when I don’t think about you both and how old you’d both be now. I just wish I could hold you both again and give you one last kiss and cuddle, you know that my heart is breaking every single minute of every single day.

I just wish I could have you back with me, as Nanny’s poem said – just one more tiny moment.

I love you guys, always and forever Mummy xxxxxxxx

Hi sweethearts, it’s Tuesday 28th May and today Mummy and Daddy found out that we are having another baby. Oh boys, I feel so guilty yet so happy, guilty coz I’m bringing another life into this world while I couldn’t keep you two here and happy just because we have been given another chance to bring a new life into this world. I just don’t want either of you to think that we are trying to replace you, that will never be the case, I love all of you the same and no matter how many more children I have in my life they will never take away any of the love that I have for you two. As long as you both know that then I can rest a bit more easily.

I love and miss you both with all my heart, Mummy. xxxxxxx

Hi guys, today is Friday 7th June and Daddy is starting his holiday tonight for a week so I thought I’d write to you while I’ve got chance. Well Conor tomorrow will be 23 weeks and 2 days since you went to be with Callum which means that I have lived through the same amount of time that you had on this earth with me. Time has gone by so quickly and it really makes me realise how little time we had together, but I will always treasure the time we did have together. I can only wish we had just one more day together.

Well I’ve got to go guys; I’ll write again really soon, take care of each other, I love you with all my heart, Mummy xxxxxx

Hi babies, it’s Monday 17th June and you would’ve been 11 months old today Conor, I sit here wondering what you would be doing now and I just wish I knew. My darlings there’s not a lot I can really say today except I love you and miss you both with every beat of my heart, every day is still a real struggle for me but I know you send me the strength to get through each and every day. As long as you know how much I love you then there’s nothing more I can say right now. I LOVE YOU Mummyxxxxxx

Hi guys, it’s Tuesday 25th June and I’ve got to take Alicia to playschool in a minute but I just wanted to write quickly to say hello and to tell you both that I love you and miss you with all my heart. I had my first midwife appointment yesterday and they’re going to keep a really close eye on this baby, the only thing is I can’t help thinking that they kept a close eye on you Conor but at the end of the day it didn’t really help. I’m going to do everything possible to protect this baby just as I did with both of you and Alicia and just hope and pray for the best, surely we’ve been through enough. I should be deciding what I’m going to buy you for your birthday Conor but instead I’m trying to find something I can put on your grave, it’s so hard, everyday at the moment hits me harder than the last, with each day that goes by I love this baby more and more but I am so scared of loving it, I couldn’t handle losing another one, I struggle enough with not having you two here.

Well I’ve got to go, I love you both so much, stay with me guys, Mummy xxxxxxxxxx

Hi babies, it’s Thursday 27th June and today is 6 months since you went to heaven Conor, today was also the first time I saw your baby brother or sister – who now goes by the name of little lemon! I was so relieved seeing the baby, who has got a very strong heartbeat, but I have lived the whole of the day today thinking about you two, today has been so hard for so many reasons, sometimes I don’t even know how I get through the day but I do and I’m sure that everyday I do get through makes me just that little bit stronger.

Well Conor, after 6 months away from us not a lot has changed here and I should imagine by now that you have started to really grow up, and in a way I can only wish I could see. Mummy misses you and Callum so much, keep eachother safe until I am able to look after you both again, I love you with every beat of my heart, Mummy xxxxxxxxxxx

Hi guys, it’s Tuesday 9th July and you both know that I prayed to you yesterday, the stomach pains were getting worse and I was begging you not to let anything happen to little Lemon, fortunately everything seems fine now so let’s just keep our fingers crossed!

I don’t know how I feel yet today so I guess it’s just gonna be one of those days where anything could happen! Alicia’s got a bit of a cold but she’s growing up so quickly, she’s always talking about you both oh and by the way Conor, when you decided to go and play with Callum did you take the summer weather with you? It’s the second week in July and the weather is absolutely horrendous! It’s pouring down with rain and it’s cold as well, we should be wearing summer clothes at the moment and here we are wrapped up in jumpers and going out with coats on and umbrellas in hand! I don’t know, something’s gone wrong somewhere!! Mind you there’s a lot wrong with this world so I guess I shouldn’t really be surprised!

It’s weird coz I could talk to you two all day but I’m sure I’d run out of things to say pretty soon! What more could I say to the two little men in my life that mean more to me than life itself apart from I love you and miss you more than I could ever say and more than anyone could ever know, Conor my darling so many people are still finding it so hard to come to terms with you leaving us and Callum my sweetheart it is almost impossible to believe that it was nearly 3 years ago that I held you safe in my arms, no one will ever know how precious you two are to me, I just wish I could spend one more minute with each of you, I see you and hear you in my dreams and it almost feels like I could touch you, I wake up just wishing my dreams would come true.

Well I’ve got to go and take Alicia to nursery so I’ll sign off now, you know that I love you and miss you every second of every single day of my life, All my love Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi my babies, well today is Wednesday 17th July 2002 and I have got just one thing to say today,



HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY CONOR,



Yes sweetheart you would’ve been a year old today and I just want you to know that I love you and miss you with all my heart, there’s not an hour that goes by when I don’t think of you, I should be watching you play with your birthday presents today not trying to decide when I am going to go to the cemetery.

I love you my sexy little man, I will write again soon,

Love to you and Callum always, Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi guys, well it’s 10th August and I am sorry I haven’t written for a while but to be honest everytime I go into this file my heart feels like it is breaking again, today I am writing more for you Callum than Conor, Callum my sweet Angel it will be 3 years tomorrow since I bought you into this world, and 3 years ago today that they told me you had gone to Heaven, oh my sweetheart I cannot believe that 3 whole years have passed, when you were born I didn’t think I’d be able to get the next three days and here I am three years later, I love and miss you so much, I am writing today as I may not get much chance to write tomorrow so I want to say



HAPPY THIRD BIRTHDAY CALLUM



Mummy misses and loves you as much as I did the day you were born and I know that’ll never change, I hope you and Conor are having fun playing together and are looking after eachother,

You know I love you both with all my heart and I always will,

Love you both now and always Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi guys, well today is 22nd August and I know that I haven’t written for a while but you both know that I am thinking of you all day everyday and I know that will never stop. Daddy and I came to the cemetery yesterday and bought 2 new windmills for you but we were a bit disappointed to see that the bag of maltesers has gone, we’re assuming that the people at the cemetery have thrown them away but it made me a bit sad really.

Well little lemon is growing well and in a couple of weeks I will get to see your little brother or sister on screen for the first time properly, I remember both of your scans and I remember what a lovely feeling it was to see you on the screen. I know you are helping to keep baby lemon safe and I can’t thank you enough for that, you have each other to play with now you don’t need another playmate but you know that Mummy needs this baby more than ever, this baby will never ever replace you but I just hope it will help with the loneliness that I feel.

Well I’ve got to go, I’m waiting for Uncle Richard to call with his GCSE results, I love you both with all my heart every second of every day,

Play gently together, All my love Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi my sweethearts, it’s 2nd September and it’s Grandad’s birthday today, Conor my darling he misses you so much, Callum babe it’s different with you as Grandad never got to know and hold you but I know that he loves you both equally. Conor, Grandad spends so much time looking after your fence and making sure the flowers are growing well, I guess it’s his way of keeping your memory alive.

In 3 days I will turn 22, it’s so hard to think that I have got to go through another birthday missing you Callum but also Conor as well now, last year was a really good birthday for me, we had a really lovely family day out in Southampton and this year I think I just want to sleep through it. I have lived such a long life compared to you two and I feel so guilty for that, a child is ment to outlive it’s parent by years and years – not the other way round. I am trying so hard to be strong for everyone else but sometimes it just gets too much and I want to scream at the world to bring you two back to me. I miss you and love you both so very very much, knowing that I have to go through the rest of my life with out you both is almost too much for me to handle sometimes, I know that you are keeping an eye on us at all times and when I talk and sing to you you can hear but sometimes all I want is a cuddle, just a cuddle is that really too much to ask for?

Well I am going to go as the tears are starting and I don’t want to get any more depressed than I already am, please guys send me the strength to get through my birthday – why should I be allowed to celebrate so many birthdays when neither of you get to celebrate even one?

I love you so much my darlings, take care, until next time Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi guys, well it’s 11.45am on 12th September and in a couple of hours I will be making my way to the hospital for the scan on your little brother or sister, look guys, I know you are always sending me love and strength but could you send me just a little more this afternoon, I am going to need all the strength I can get for me to get through the scan. I am going to ask them if they can tell me whether this baby is going to be a brother or sister for you and Alicia, in so many ways I would love to have another little boy but then I think maybe it would be easier if it was to be a girl – I guess I wouldn’t panic quite so much, everyone always said things would be fine with you Conor after Callum went to Heaven but I don’t believe a word they say, when this baby get’s to it’s 10th birthday I might start to believe that!

Well I’ve got to go I want to tell you again that I love and miss you with all my heart and there isn’t an hour that goes by when I don’t think about you both, please look after eachother until I can be there to look after you, I love you Mummy xxxxxxxxxxx

Hi my babies, well it’s 21st October and I’m sorry I haven’t written for a while but the computer died and I had to wait for Daddy to sort it out for me, but I’m here now! Well I had the scan and this baby is going to be another brother, we’re going to call him Olly. It was very hard for me when we found out he was a boy as I was scared that having another boy meant that I was going to lose him too but I’m now 25 weeks pregnant and am sure that he’s going to be fine, afterall he’s got two beautiful Angels looking over him and making sure that he comes to no harm – just please keep watching over him boys, I can’t lose another one of you to God’s garden.

Alicia is fine – she’s at big school now and loving every minute of it, I know you can see all of this and I’m not really sure why I tell you everything I guess it’s just because I don’t want you to miss out on anything, I know there’s one thing I can be sure that you wont miss out on and that’s my love, you know I love you both with all my heart, body and soul. I’ve got to go my darlings, I’ll write again really soon, take care of eachother, your ever loving Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi guys, it’s Monday 28th October and I’ve just got back from Auntie Katies, she moved into her new house last Friday so I thought I’d pop over and see her, I took some of your babygros over, Conor, to show Nicola as we’re going to use them for Olly (I knew you wouldn’t mind) and she couldn’t believe you were ever that tiny, but you were. I sometimes find it hard to believe that you were ever that small, infact I still sometimes find it hard to believe that you were ever here at all, I know that you were here and you were a huge part of my life and your short life has probably made more of an impact on my life than anyone else ever will do, I still sit here wishing you could come back or that I could swap places with you, it’s strange to think that it was just over two years ago that I found out I was pregnant with you, my life has revolved around you eversince, even though you are not here in body with my I still think about you all the time, I dream about you, sometimes it’s like I can imagine you in my arms, I know it’s all false dreams but I will hold you again one day.

I was watching Bailey toddling around and getting into everything today and I kept wondering what you would’ve been up to if you had been there today, I can imagine how you and Bailey would’ve been a right adventurous little pair together. When Alicia was getting some toys ready earlier to take to Katies she told me that she hadn’t put anything small in the bag as she didn’t want Bailey to swallow anything, and I couldn’t help thinking how unfair it was that she couldn’t think like that all the time because of you, I know she’ll be able to share her life with Olly very soon but I also know how much she misses you, she talks about you and Callum so often, life is just so unfair – why should she have to suffer this too?

Well my darlings I’ve got to go and get sorted out as it is mine and Daddy’s wedding anniversary today and there’s two bits of steak waiting to be cooked. I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you both, as always, and I love you and miss you both so very much, with all my love now and always Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi babies, it’s Tuesday 5th November and I’m trying to get tidied up coz Nanny is coming down tomorrow but I really don’t seem to be able to find the energy! I just want to tell you both that I am thinking of you both all the time and I love you and miss you so much that it hurts. Please watch over me, Daddy, Alicia and Olly, we all need you now especially with Christmas approaching, every where I turn there’s something else christmasy in my eye line, I don’t want to think about going through Christmas without you two, I wish I could just sleep through it but I can’t, I’ve still got to make it a good Christmas for Alicia although finding the inspiration isn’t easy.

I have to go and try to sort the flat out for Nanny coming down, I love you with every beat of my heart, Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Guys, it’s early on Friday 8th November (Auntie Lizzie’s birthday) and Nanny and Uncle Richard are here. We did some shopping for Olly yesterday and we had the scan, they’re worried there’s too much amniotic fluid which could cause premature labour, darlings please keep Olly safe, Mummy’s worried and I really need to know that you are watching over us and helping to keep Olly healthy, you know more than anyone that I couldn’t handle losing Olly, I have enough trouble without you two here, I can’t lose Olly too.

I know you two Angels will do all you can to help, just send me that little bit more right now. I love you both so much, I’ll write again real soon, All my love now and always Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi my sweethearts, it’s Wednesday 27th November and this week has been really hard for me, I am so scared that Olly is going to be born too soon, I’m nearly 31 weeks now and although I know Olly’s chances of survival are really good I can’t help but worry, I really need you guys at the moment, so much is spinning around in my head, I just want to know what’s going on one way or another.

It was 11 months ago today that you were taken for me Conor, I just can’t believe that so much time has passed, I love you both so much, I will write again as soon as I can, send me butterfly kisses my darlings, Mummy needs them more now than ever.

All my love now and every day, Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi my babies, it’s Monday 9th December. Well after Olly gave me a bit of a scare on the weekend – I wish he’d make his mind up whether he’s going to have a moving day or not! – I went for another ctg today and all is fine, there’s only one word I’ve got for that – THANKGOD! I’m sure I have got to thank you two for keeping Olly safe, and now if I can just get through Chirstmas and the few days afterwards I’m sure everything will be fine, this little brother of yours is so strong and I just know deep down that he’s going to be born healthy and happy and he’ll live his life as any other healthy happy baby. We have done most of our Christmas shopping and I so wish I was out there buying things for you too, it still feels so unfair, I told Alicia that you will be celebrating Christmas in your own way in Heaven and she seemed quite happy about that, she was worried that you two would miss out, but I assured her that you’d still celebrate Christmas and have loads of pressies from Father Christmas, the last thing I want is her worrying about you two over Christmas, I know Christmas is going to be hard for everyone this year but we have to make it as good as we can for Alicia, she deserves it more this year than any other year.

I’ve got to go my darlings, be good to eachother, I will write again very soon, All my love Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi guys, it’s Wednesday 25th December and it’s Christmas day, I sat here watching Alicia open all her presents and I couldn’t help but feel so sad, you two should’ve been here ripping the wrapping paper off and making one hell of a commotion. Life is so bloody unfair. This time last year Conor we were the happiest family in the world, if I’d have known what lay in store for us I would’ve kept you in my arms for the whole 5 ½ months that you were with us. We all had a really fantastic Christmas last year, little did we know our lives would fall apart in just 48 hours. Today is so hard, Alicia keeps us going, if it wasn’t for her I don’t know what would’ve happened to us.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS MY TWO ANGELS!!

I love you with every beat of my heart and with every breath I take, All my love now and always Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi my babies, today is 27th December and a year ago today someone took my darling baby away from me, at the same time they took such a chunk of my heart it will never heal. Conor, my sweetheart you left us a whole year ago and life doesn’t seem to move on. I’m sure you and Callum are playing quite happily but at the moment I hate this life. I keep going over everything that happened this time last year, with us going to St Marys and standing in the freezing cold waiting to get the football tickets that were sold out when we finally got to the ticket office, then driving back to Grandad’s you whinged the whole way, we got to Grandads and he was just finishing off putting the trellis fence up, then Grandad and I took Jess out while Daddy looked after you and Alicia, then we got back, played snakes and ladders and suddenly our lives were ripped out from under us.

Oh sweetheart I cannot believe that I have survived a whole year without you, don’t ask me how I’m going to get through the next day no matter the next x amount of years, I love you so desperately that it hurts, take care baby and look after Callum for me, your ever loving Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi sweethearts, it’s January 1st 2003 and we are starting a new year, how am I supposed to survive another year without you both? I’m only going to be quick today, I just want you both to know that Mummy loves you and misses you both with every single piece of her heart, I love you guys so very much.

Hi my darlings, well today is 7th January and I have just bought your baby brother home from hospital, he was born on Saturday morning at 6.05am weighing 5lb 10oz and is totally gorgeous. My darlings I am so scared, I couldn’t handle losing Olly too. Everytime he is out of my arms I am petrified that something is going to happen, I know everyone tells me everything will be fine this time bot they all said that when you were born Conor and it wasn’t fine, besides it’s not their two sons they’ve had to bury. I know it’s as hard for Daddy as it is for me and I so wish he’d talk about it but we all know what Daddy is like. I miss you both so so so much, my life will never be complete with out you two, I just wish I could turn the clock back and feel you both in my arms again. Holding Olly brings back so many memories and although I love him with all my heart it is so hard having him here, everyone said the pain would lessen once I had another baby in my arms but it hasn’t, it’s just got harder, I now remember what I have been missing out on for the past year and it’s so hard to cope with, I know Daddy, Nanny and Auntie Katie are here for me to talk to but it’s so hard to put these feelings into words, the best way to get it off my chest is to talk to you, I know you can hear me when I talk to you or even when I send my thoughts to you. Mummy’s head is such a mess, hopefully I can start getting back on with my life again soon but as I’ve said so many times in the past – how am I ever supposed to do that without you two?

I’ve got to go, please send all the protection you can to Olly and send Mummy the strength to cope with this, I’m sending you all my love as I do every single second of every day, I love you with all my heart, your ever loving Mummy. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi guys today is Alicia’s 5th birthday and she is having a wonderful day, Conor my baby you would’ve been 18 months old today, and I reckon you would’ve been into everything!! It was a year ago today that I took your clothes to the funeral parlour and they took some photos for me, and it will be a year on saturday that Grandad and I cam to the funeral parlour to say our goodbyes to you, I don’t think I really believed you were gone until we did that, I don’t know what I would’ve done over the past year if it hadn’t been for Grandad, he’s always there for me and always knows how to put a smile on my face, I don’t know how to thank him and there’s nothing I could do to thank him enough, I’m just pleased he is here for me, it must be so hard for him to not only see his only daughter in such pain but also have to live where his Grandson was taken from, he has to look at that room every day, I still feel sick whenever I go in that room. Sorry it’s short guys but I have to go and get ready for Alicia’s birthday party, I love you both so very much, All my heart now and always Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx



This will be the last entry I make in this, it is now 2nd February 2004 at 10.57am and I have just scanned through this, life has moved on so much, Alicia is 6 and a right little madam, Oliver is 1 and is into everything, Daddy is working for himself and really enjoying it, and me?? Well I’m coping. I’m looking after the household and the family and trying to make the best of everything. We have a nice house now and we are a ‘proper’ family to everyone looking from the outside in but in here there is always a sadness that hangs over us, there will always be a huge gap in this family that you two should be here to fill.

The whole family loves and misses you and I know you are both thought of often, for Daddy and I you are thought of every single day and I know that will always carry on until the day that we are reunited with you.



Well my sweet angel baby boys I guess it has come to the time for me to sign off and close this there are just a few things I want to say to you, firstly I LOVE YOU and I MISS YOU, no matter what happens in life that will never ever change, you are both in my heart and in my thoughts every single day. And secondly please play nicely together and keep each other safe until I can be there to look after you. When the time comes for me to leave this world to be with you I know that there will be 2 pairs of tiny hands just waiting to take me away and show me around this place where you will have been living for many years.

Mummy loves you both with all her heart, be good my sweethearts, whenever I see a butterfly I will wonder if it is your way of letting me know you are both ok, I will find out one day.

‘An angel came down and took my babies away, but I know I will be with them again one day’

Sleep tight my sweet Angels

All my love today, tomorrow and forever, Mummy xxxxxxxx.



Sending the warmest softest butterfly kisses to you both. I will always have 2 bits missing.



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